I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
