I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize