We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
