Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
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