omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
