life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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