I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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