Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
