So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
