It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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