He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Duck Duck Cougar?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
