Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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