How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
