White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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