I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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