just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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