u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
