Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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