Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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