its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
