So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
