Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
