Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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