he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
