I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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