I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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