Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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