A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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