You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
