Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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