I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
