pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
