First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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