just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
