I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
