So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
