i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I deserve this hangover.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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