I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
