his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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