Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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