dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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