Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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