Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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