I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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