even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
