OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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