i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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