He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize