I wannas sexs uuuuu
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
