it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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