would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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