I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
