Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
