A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
