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Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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