So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
