My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
