i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
