does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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