We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
