Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
